emily ([info]aghostchild) wrote,
@ 2007-05-11 01:43:00
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it's all because of you, baby
exactly a year ago today, i tried to kill myself.
it is my proudest failure.

so you want us to write something on the cake?

yes... emily, happy anniversary since you tried to slit your wrists.

okay... so is that emily with a y, or two e's?

happy anniversary. i'm still here, and i love it. i fucking love it.

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[info]porcelina__
2007-05-11 10:17 am UTC (link)
and i love you for staying.

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-11 06:14 pm UTC (link)
thank you. you've helped me with that ♥

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[info]bellydancindan
2007-05-11 08:52 pm UTC (link)
Glad you're hear too. An accomplishment worth celebrating no doubt!

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-11 09:01 pm UTC (link)
thank you ^_^ i bought myself expensive roses

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[info]mrsminnis
2007-05-11 09:15 pm UTC (link)
I'm glad you're here, too =]

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-11 09:45 pm UTC (link)
thank you. it truly means a lot to have people say that.

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[info]robots_takeover
2007-05-11 11:59 pm UTC (link)
I'm also glad that you failed. You're worth too much to hurt yourself.

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-14 03:44 am UTC (link)
failure can be good at times.

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[info]__anjie__
2007-05-13 03:06 am UTC (link)
i too am glad that you are here. you are very much wanted and needed in this life.

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-14 03:45 am UTC (link)
thank you.. that's the most i could ask for

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[info]kbetol
2007-05-13 02:18 pm UTC (link)
I am happy for you ^_^

long time no see, how are you doing well thats a crazy question being I just read how you are doing.

Ever since I took on this new mission about starting a major support group for all artist. I find myself weighed down with a lot. Its making me think about al, the problems and pressures in the world and I try so hard but yet still feel like I am failing. It makes me want to well you know but those are just thoughts running rampit in my head. I feel so over whelmed and still have so much to achieve I dont think this dream can be achieved for it is to big which includes the whole world, and all of humanity. Trying to change the world for the better to inspire for the better to grow/evolve for the better one person at a time takes a lot out of you. Its very hard work and a dream like I said that can never be achieved yet I find myself with hope and keeping this dream alive where I try day in and day out to lift the spirits of those low and lend them a shoulder to cry on or help them find their next inspiration. I at times want to give up but something or someone keeps pulling me back and makeing me try harder.

I asked if this was my destiny to fail at trying to save all of humanity? I have made changes in a lot of peoples life but the world not even close. So why? Why do I torture myself with this dream that can never be eating at me helping me see all the failures along the way? I have no answer I just keep trying and hoping the best for all people. For its about art an art movement which a lot of people who are a part of music underground have made good friends with me. Its not anything special really its a nightmare just to try and keep their hopes up.

Do you know how many artist are starving to kill them selves a lot and here I am feeding them hope that they can make a change for the better. Who am I to help these people when they could not help them selves. I am no angle in fact I too have sins holding me here and I am so ready to leave this place for good. Will I leave my mark on history and will my dream stay alive that people will try and keep hope to better the lives they have and not look down on them selves. I am not god nor am I superman. I am a single man trying to save a world not wanting to be saved, and I have failed yet again even with the achievements that hang on my wall.

I do still keep hope for you because I know you are strong and have a heart to match. I wish the best of days that have yet to come for you, as I leave now I just hope you will never forget me and always know I think of you as my friend. And no this is not a I am going to off my self letter I just really needed someone to open up too and I always thought you gave the best adivse.

Take care.

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-14 04:06 am UTC (link)
i don't know what sort of advice to give you. i think the most someone can do is offer help to those who reach out for it, but we can't help anyone who doesn't want to change, who doesn't feel as though they need help, etc...

i have many hopes for the future, and sometimes that can mean i'm overwhelmed, disappointed when things aren't so easy as i'd like them to be, obsessive with trying to make everything perfect. so mostly now i try to live in the moment, doing as much as i can right now, enjoying right now as much as possible, but not thinking too much about the future. i know my mind is very unpredictable.. i could "go crazy" any day and that would be it. my friends are all mostly fairly destructive, and they could be gone tomorrow. but right now, there here, so i will love them. right now, i'm not crazy, so i will live to the best of my abilities. as long as i'm alive, somehow, i'll make things okay. it still eats me up when things aren't the way they should be.. i'm certainly still very human with intense emotions and intense attachments, but if i've lived through all that i've lived through, i can live through this. i hope that things will get even better and even easier, but even if they just stay as they are i'll be okay. there's so much that makes it worth it for me, and i really hope there are things that make it worth it for you, too.

there are still day that i feel worthless for having not done more. i was supposed to have so much potential, and i have so much desire. i still want to be a martyr, i still want to save everyone, but i can't. all i can do is be there for them to the best of my abilities, create things that could touch people, if i'm really lucky, and enjoy everything as much as i can. it's an amazing gift to be able to help people, but you shouldn't expect anything of yourself that you wouldn't expect from someone else - that's much easier said than done of course, but self sacrifice is good to a point, but beyond that, to the point that it starts to eat you up, it's not worth it.

i'm sure you have helped many people, and i'm sure you will continue to help many people. the most we can ask is that everyone tries their best. we perhaps know we can't save the world, but that won't stop us from trying our absolute hardest and getting as close as we can. still, you have to be able to look out for yourself first and foremost if you expect to be able to help anyone. you have to save yourself first, you have to be strong and be someone that people can rely on. i hope you aren't too hard on yourself, but i know from personal experience that it's very difficult not to be. you're a very good person with so much to give the world, but no one can save us. just try your best, and relish everything you can do.

i don't think of you as a failure at all. the world is so exhausting sometimes, the best that we can do is try to live through it. hopefully we find ways to enjoy it as much as possible, ways to live a life that we can be proud of. to be able to help the world is a wonderful wonderful thing, especially when even just surviving is something to be proud of. of course, i still feel like a failure most of the time. but it's hard for us to see the goodness inside ourselves.. it's so much easier to see it in someone else. just know that whatever it's worth, i see that in you.

good luck with everything, and take care.

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[info]kbetol
2007-05-17 08:32 am UTC (link)
You know when I went over what you wrote to me I could only smile for the inspiration you are to other people. In a way I guess it takes other people to reaffirm the best qualities we have and help each other keep hope and do our best. I was in a weird mood when I wrote that and I did need to just open up to a friend which it seems I opened up to the right one whos words always seem to bring understanding and inspiration.

There are people in this world like me and your self who have it in them to help people understand through our own past emotions that we suffered through we are able to help and lend that shoulder for those to cry on. So that we may up lift them and bring something positive into their lives when the whole time we down our selves yet we are still so positive only to over look these qualities in our lives.

I keep going over the conversations we have had in the past in my mind and its weird how we have grown together for the better and here we are still talking treating each other like a human being or what ever we are ;)

I have met my share of ugly people who do nothing to help even when we are not asking they only bring such negativity and you always seem to bring out the best and find ways to make me smile. Thats a talent and something I respect from someone living their life the best they can and I think, no.. I believe with all my heart you are doing a good job at living for you.

Since I started my company I have been working by myself with no help I only talk to others to help and also get my company really going. So I feel like I dont have the time to come and have a simple conversation with those I have come to care for with all my heart. I never thought doing something so many see as a great deed would make me feel more alone then ever before.

I came here to you as a friend needing to be reminded that I was not forgotten and not for praise thats some truth. Some times when we feel so alone we look to those who know us best and it seems you know me well because you have restored all my hopes and dreams and also I dont feel so alone now that I know your still here which allows me to keep on thinking of you. Thats friendship to me and I am happy to call you my friend.

there is a special post for friends in my journal even something for you. Take care and know that I will always be here and will stop through from time to time no matter how busy I get to say "hello my friend I missed you and I hope you are doing well."

Best of luck always your friend K-Be-Tol/M~

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-18 03:39 am UTC (link)
thank you :)

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[info]inferorumm
2007-05-13 06:00 pm UTC (link)
doctors, such as yourself, can't leave their patients. someone told me that "there's nothing that'll make someone more depressed than not only being suicidal, but failing at it." and I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life, but I rather have people fail at suicide than anything else. I love you. :]

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-14 04:11 am UTC (link)
i'm glad i'm not always very good at things. arteries are so elusive, and i love them for that.

nothing makes you feel like killing yourself more than having to spend a few days at the mental hospital. when i got out the world looked so wonderful in contrast to that damn place that i was like "why did i ever try to kill myself anyway? everything is so sunny and beautiful and there's no one having to watch me when i go to the bathroom and so many other amazing things like that." now i take it all for granted again, but for awhile the world seemed heavenly.

i love you too :D

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[info]elle_rahen
2007-05-27 09:39 pm UTC (link)
I'm so incredibly happy you're still here. And I miss seeing you. *mental hugs*

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[info]aghostchild
2007-05-28 02:54 am UTC (link)
^_^ thank you. i miss you too

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[info]his_bee
2007-08-31 10:53 pm UTC (link)
wow, my name is emily too! weird huh?

well i'm really glad you are still here! we surviors have to stick together. if you would like to you can add me, but if you have tons of people to keep up with and you don't want to that's ok too.

i just wanted to say hi in your journal because you are so very caring and gentle and wise -- i'm sure you make an incredible difference in a lot of people's lives just in that one LJ community, let alone the real world :)

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[info]aghostchild
2007-09-01 12:42 am UTC (link)
thank you! i'm glad you're here too, and i'm glad to be here. i added you - it would be great if you wanted to add me, too.

thank you so so much for saying that. it really means a lot, because i want to make the best of this... even if i have these struggles, if i can just say a few words that mean something to someone, it feels like it's worth it :)

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[info]his_bee
2007-09-01 03:39 pm UTC (link)
you are so very sweet. and do know that your words do make a difference...they already have in my life. i've added you as a friend too...thanks for adding me :)

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