and we are magic talking to itself [entries|friends|calendar] emily [ website | myspace ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

friends only [19 Dec 2033|10:24pm] well, not really... a some of this is public but most of it is private. so ask to be added if you'd like and i will probably say yes :) but please, tell me who you are and why you would like to be added and all that lovely stuff. 151 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

to my organ, who is gone [29 Apr 2008|02:18pm] [ mood | anxious ] dear appendix, i will miss you on those cold winter nights, nights i will spend without you, lamenting your loss, remembering what we had. no one will ever replace you. i will never have another appendix, not ever. they always say you will find another, you will, this isn't the last, but god, i swear, i will never have another appendix. Tyler: I guess if their is any form of silver lining it's you will never have to have your appendix out again, your relationship with you appendix is at a end, it won't be calling you in a month crying and telling you that you were the best body it was ever in... no matter how much you tell me that you've changed, that you're not sick anymore, i will never take you back. i know there will never be another like you, never be anyone who takes your place, but i don't believe that you will ever change. you will never be right for me. you abused me. you put me in the hospital for three days. they had to give me a double dose of the medicine they give to chemo patients, and then an IV drip of it. my pulse was 144. oh appendix! i've never been in so much pain. not even dilauded could take away the pain you put me in, and that is 8 times stronger than morphine. do you know what that's like, appendix? i cried. i cried and cried. it hurt so much. i'm sorry, but we're over. we're done. you were never of any use to me anyway! what good were you for? did you ever do anything for me other than to hurt me? no. it's over. but oh appendix, i didn't even get to say goodbye... 4 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

[22 Mar 2008|12:56pm] i will admit, i don't know my way. the forest is dense and the path once worn is thick with overgrowth. i abandon my gaze and let my footsteps take me. right foot, left foot, right, i trip over treeroots that braid through the ground, empty veins of the surrounding woods. i catch myself and feel the warm earth in my hands. brushing the dirt off my raw skin and banishing the fear in my chest i start over again. the map is still folded in my pocket, creased brown with age. i pause for rest and read it over. i can see where they've been, but i forge my own way. closing my eyes i stumble awkwardly, right foot, left foot, right. every traveler has marked their own trail, but i step over the treaded leaves and seek fresher ground. the white stones hansel scattered glow brightly in the light of the sliver of moon, tears dropped delicately in the dust to illuminate my way. i smile at the care that was bound in every single one and step lightly over them. i hear the dry bones of branches snap under my feet, right foot, left foot, right. thank you i whisper to no one in particular, but i have to find my own way. i've never been here before, but i walk with conviction and direction without the pause of disbelief. the world turns blue with the dawn and my quickened breath carves cold morning air into my lungs. the twisted sillouettes of the forest seem to draw closer, while the wind through the trees whispers its questions. of course i am scared i answer back, but i am home. i feel embraced by the branches, folliage cradling me gently and with unmeasurable care. though i am lost in a sense, i am not. i will mark my own path and draw my own map, just as you have. the morning cracks and breaks like a golden egg over the curved horizon. though the forest is dense and the path once worn is thick with overgrowth, i can still see the sun through the leaves, lighting my way. i will admit, i am wandering. right foot, left foot, right, i stumble like the fool of the arcana. i balance precariously and grin to myself. i lock my fears in my head and fold the map in my pocket. i know i know nothing about this place i whisper to no one in particular, but i have to find my own way. 2 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

survey time! [01 Feb 2008|07:10pm] stolen from ravennightworld 1) Are you currently in a serious relationship? A. 2) What was your dream growing up? A. 3) What talent do you wish you had? A. 4) Favorite drink? A. 5) Favorite vegetable? A. 6) What was the last book you read? A. 7) What zodiac sign are you? A. 8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. A. 9) Worst Habit? A. 10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? A. 11) What is your favorite sport? A. 12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude? A. 13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? A. 14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? A. 15) Tell me one weird fact about you. A. 16) Do you have any pets? A. 17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly? A. 18) What was your first impression of me? A. 19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? A. 20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? A. 21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? A. 22) What eyecolor do you have? A. 23) Ever been arrested? A. 24) What's your real name/nickname? A. 25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? A. 26) Bottle or can soda? A. 27) What's your favorite place to hang at? A. 28) Do you believe in ghosts? A. 29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? A. 30) Do you swear a lot? A. 31) Biggest pet peeve? A. 32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? A. 33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? A. 34) What will your grandchildren say about you to their children? A. 35) Do you believe in God? A. 36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? A. 7 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

[19 Dec 2007|12:24pm] oh my god. sweeney todd was fucking amazing. see it now (or when it actually comes out, if you didn't get prescreening passes like i did because i'm AWESOME.) also, go dressed up as though you are out of a tim burton movie. sandy and i did. i went with him and gina and simon, and it was the best thing ever. spoiler alert: johnny depp does not have a hot makeout scene with alan rickman. DAMNIT. 4 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

seeing stars [14 Nov 2007|05:07pm] i seem to be writing more in my myspace blog lately, so y'all should read that. i'm going to copy and paste, because i'm too tired to retype it. it was quite a night last night, but in the best way. michelle, amanda, and i went to sf to see the band stars. after buying expensive train tickets, taking the amtrak and walking in san francisco in the cold, we finally found the club. it was sold the fuck out. should have known. however, one of the sound guys spotted us and came back with 3 vip all access passes, for free. so after the stars show, which was one of the most amazing shows i've ever seen, we got to go backstage and to the afterparty and make fools of ourselves in front of the music industry people, the roadies, and the band. mostly there was a lot of standing in the corner and awkwardly sipping beer and wondering why there were so many containers of soup on the table and how they would go about consuming it (take tomato bisque shots, perhaps?) but in the end, we met a lot of interesting people who were very friendly, as well as some that were rather drunk and loud, but still fantastic. the show would have been spectacular by itself. they're such accomplished musicians... i liked them, but i really had no idea how amazing they were. some bands you really don't know until you hear them live. the music just melts over you, and it's like the angels are singing. it was just what we all needed that day, a perfect moment when they whisper to you words that describe everything. finally, we've been rewarded for being stupid and unprepared. 3 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

fog and feathers [08 Sep 2007|09:06pm] [ mood | ouch ] [ music | daydream (new live version) - the smashing pumpkins ] my mind is swimming with a terrible headache. i can barely see what i'm writing. perhaps athena will jump out of my head. last night was terrible. it seemed as though there were flies everywhere, feeding on everyone because they were all dead. everything was bloodstained and messy, and my heart beat so fast i thought it would crack. people were laughing and laughing and wouldn't stop. and it's the first day i've felt well enough to venture back into the outside world. physically i mean, though i suppose mentally things have been better too. i went shopping today and took photographs. a grasshopper. he was a total myspace whore, posing and everything. ( other pictures, some of me, some of other things ) ouch. headache. must go... ♥ 14 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

a day in the life of the pumpkins [31 Jul 2007|06:39pm] that's billy in his hotel room, writing a song. if you watch the video, you might see a picture draped over the chair next to him. i drew that. i gave that to him. at best, i thought he might like it okay and put it in a pile with the gifts he has received, or glaced at it before handing it off to someone else to put it away. but there it is. maybe it doesn't mean much, but it means something to me. ♥ 13 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

pumpkinheads [29 Jul 2007|09:13pm] [ mood | cheerful ] so, 5 shows have gone by in a flash. i don't have much time for a real update so i'll just give some highlights: 1. catching billy's guitar pick, and michelle catching jimmy's when he played acoustic guitar on "zeitgeist." 2. having elina come from sweden to see the show with me, arriving at 6 in the fucking morning so we could be sure to be up front, and meeting him afterwards. if you remember, i asked billy during his solo tour to write a get well card for elina because she was in the hospital with the brain tumor, and he took the time to write it and was very sweet and sympathetic. i got to give it to her, and she's kept it with her. the cancer came back for the third time, but this time she got gamma knife radiation instead of surgery and regular radiation, and it hasn't come back yet, so apparently the get well card worked :) she thanked him for writing it, and he asked her if she was better, and when she said yes he smiled very sweetly and said "that's good!" i gave him a picture that i had drawn while in line, and tentatively said "i'd like you to have this, if you would please accept it." he said "of course, thank you" and then paused to look at it closely, and said, surprised, "wow, this is really nice! thank you" smiled, and nodded/bowed slightly, the way he often does. that's the only night i've seen him be receptive to fans and actually spend time, not just going "okay..." and looking creeped out/bored. i guess we're just very lucky to have such a special experience. 3. being interviewed for the official fillmore pumpkins dvd and making a fool of myself. watch for it, but try not to laugh too much. i'm not sure if i would be disappointed or relieved if i'm not on it. it's hard to sum up thoughts on the pumpkins when you have a mic on your shirt and a camera in your face. 4. meeting all the fans, making lots of new friends, being hit on shamelessly (okay, so maybe that last thing wasn't a highlight..) 5. seeing THE SMASHING PUMPKINS!!!!!! i must go now, but i'll try to write something more later. all my love ♥ 4 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

it's all because of you, baby [11 May 2007|01:43am] exactly a year ago today, i tried to kill myself. it is my proudest failure. so you want us to write something on the cake? yes... emily, happy anniversary since you tried to slit your wrists. okay... so is that emily with a y, or two e's? happy anniversary. i'm still here, and i love it. i fucking love it. 21 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

shhh [31 Jan 2007|06:37pm] this idea was taken from psycho_peanut. i've done something similar before, but i thought it would be interesting to do it again. post anonymously, telling whatever secrets you feel like revealing. i will turn of IP logging so i won't know who posted what. there will be no drama, no being rude to anyone because of the secrets they've posted. confess! 3 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

[25 Dec 2006|11:55am] merry christmas! 13 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

the wii [18 Nov 2006|01:13pm] you might think the coolest place to be on a friday night was a bar or a dance club, but you'd be wrong. the coolest place to be on a friday night is camped out in front of a walmart in elk grove (duh.) and not necessarily because you are homeless, but because you are waiting in line with your brother to buy the wii. what is the wii, you might ask? for all you n00bz out there (yea, that's right, i said it), the wii is the new nintendo system that is coming out that my brother sam has been waiting a billion million years for. he's watched all the conventions, trailors, played the sample systems the day they came out, read about it everyday, etc. he's been so fucking excited i was worried he might explode, sending little bits of person flying through the air. luckily that hasn't happened yet, but it's still a possibility. last night we went to scope it out, since this is one of the only stores with a midnight release, and there were already people in line. so, we decided to camp out. thank god we went, because there are very few systems and they're all already called for. i wandered around the store in an ambien and nicotine haze as my mom tried to set up a tent and failed, and sam played gameboy and d.s. games with all his fellow geeks. the tent finally got set up (sort of) and we slept there until morning. this is probably one of the most hardcore things i've ever done that i will brag about to everyone i meet. me: yea, this one time i slept on the sidewalk in front of a walmart in order to get a videogame system. person: who are you and why are you talking to me? i'm not even getting one, nor do i care very much, but i'm just so fucking excited for sam, because this is pretty much his life. he couldn't sleep last night because he was just lying in the tent grinning like it was christmas eve. this morning my mom and i drove home, but sam is still sitting and waiting until midnight tonight. we'll be back later, too, i just needed a bit of a break, because i want to change my clothes and my neck hurts like fuck. i'm just glad sam doesn't care so much about getting the playstation 3, because riots have broken out, people have gotten shot, thrown hammers, been robbed at gunpoint, and they resold one for $10,000. insane. bye for now ♥ 14 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

[31 Oct 2006|08:13pm] i have to go, but i'll write more later (soon, hopefully), and perhaps some pictures too. for now, happy halloween! 2 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

hello [12 Sep 2006|09:40pm] [ mood | drunk ] [ music | the sisters of mercy ] hello all my lovely people. i will try to recount recent happenings but you have to bear with me because i'm a liittle bit drunk (that's the problem with drinking 90 prof like it's 80 prof.) anyway, the bad news is my grandpa is in the hospital because of an accident. the part of his brain that deals with balance is damaged, you see, so he fell and broke his back. he's in a lot of pain and morphine isn't doing anything, but the doctors think he'll be okay. he'll be in the hospital for awhile and then at a rehab center, so let's all send him wonderful thoughts to make him get better. i hate seeing my mom so sad and stressed about this. the good news is i just went to sushi with my friends, which was very nice. also, i've been moving stuff into my apartment, and it's really coming together. that's most of what i've been doing lately is getting all that set up. it will be really nice to move out, finally. i've wanted this for so long, and only now am i truly ready. so here i am, drunk as a duck (?), eating apple sauce with cinnamon, hoping you all are doing well, because you mean so much to me. thanks for reading. bye bye ♥ 10 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

[13 Jul 2006|04:43pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | childhood songs in my head ] alright, so my blood pressure was 70/40 (that means i got to ride in the wheelchair. yay) my legs hurt so much, but i'm regaining back my mind. that's good i suppose. 6 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

grr, i'm a bear [15 Jun 2006|10:21pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | take it all (away) - red lorry yellow lorry ] apparently i got horrible tendonitis in both wrists from a) taking the pill and b) going bowling but that's totally totally okay because a) at least i'm not having babies and b) i totally kicked ass in bowling. today i hung out with elle_rahen and we watched anime, went to the cafe, went to the park and swung on the swings, and saw metridious, redrounin, and kthnx__ownt (see how i'm lj-name dropping just because i can?) i walked to the park to meet up with john and upon getting there found out he had gone home, but i got a lovely walk out of it. tomorrow i'm helping kyle to do community service where i work because he's a criminal, obviously. right after that i'm going to sf with manyasone1 so this time if i'm gone for awhile i haven't done anything stupid that forces me to get sent to the hospital, thank you very much. instead i will be having an awesome time in sf buying awesome things and going to awesome places with awesome people. also, i'm going to make a bearsuit, and it's going to rock harder then your bearsuit. i'm tempted to just buy the one lain has except for that it's probably expensive and i'll probably get more costume points (at jiselle's costume/graduation party) if i make it myself. but... i do still want lain's bearsuit, too. both are nice. i'm sure i will make a very formidable bear. other things: i've been living off peaches, diet soda, and cereal, crying for no reason (and for every reason), becoming paranoid again, dreaming about getting arrested but outsmarting everyone, and yelling at my family and then apologizing profusely and meaning both things equally. i don't even notice the seroquel anymore, i love drinking tea, and there are now baby birds in our plum tree. every week i buy candy for my schizophrenic friends, and everyday i watch cooking shows, even though none of the recipes are actually vegan. just 14 days until london. then, everything will be perfect, i promise. that's all for now. goodnight angels. 8 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

public entry, oh em gee [10 Apr 2006|07:02pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | like a drug (sha la la la) - swans ] this entry is illustrated for your viewing pleasure. though, i can't take credit for any of the images. i haven't been doing much really, or nothing new anyways. i went to the antique faire, crossroads, and thrift town with twentykicks and bought pretty lacey things. working, singing, drawing, driving around, the usual. finished sandman, started back with reinaldo arenas and some manga that i forgot the name of. discovered that i'm very bad at dealing with sleep deprivation. someone called me crazy, someone else called me pretty. do you ever think of your emotions as bubbles? sometimes they burst so suddenly i can't make sense of them. i was having lots of despair bubbles last night and this morning, but tonight lots of happiness bubbles. bubbly bubbly happiness, pop pop pop. i think i first started noticing them during ativan withdrawal. most everything from that time in my ilfe i've completely forgotten. that's good though, i don't want to remember. lately i can't stop listening to 1979. it's so melty and delicious. i could listen to it forever and never tire of it. and today as i was listening, a rainbow peeked out of the clouds. it was perfect ( quizzes i took when i was bored. you should take some, too. ) a terrible melancholy bubble just popped. i think i'm going to go shower and drink some vodka. bye for now. 9 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

st. william patrick corgan's day [17 Mar 2006|10:49am] happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear billy corgan happy birthday to you! 4 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

secrets [08 Feb 2006|02:14pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | piano music ] tell me a secret. make your comment anonymous. i've turned off IP logging so your secrets are safe. one of these secrets will be my own. edit 2/22/06: IP logging is back on so you probably don't want to reply to this post as of today. 18 chants| i will fear no evil, fear no evil

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